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Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.