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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.