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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
This recliner and I go way back.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.