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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
is ready to have one too many!