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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
I need more people like me in my life
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.