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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.