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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!