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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.