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I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.