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I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them