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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.