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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers