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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Hard butter is the devil.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.