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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.