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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b