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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.