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The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.