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If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.