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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
Soup of the day: Beer
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.