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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!