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Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.