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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"