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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.