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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.