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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.