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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Ride me like you stole me.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.