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Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.