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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Life`s short ... Drink fast