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Just for kicks I posted "I won the LOTTERY" on Facebook. One girl liked it, then replied to the inbox message I sent her in 2010. *Blocked*
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful