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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.