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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around