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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Iām not lazy, Iām on energy saving mode.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards