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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Iām late for a disappointment.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.