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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.