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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...