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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...