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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.