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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.