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I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.