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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.