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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.