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When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.