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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.