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So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.