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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
So you think you can study with your facebook activated? That`s cute! ^.^
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
They should make Vodka ChapStick