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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.