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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...