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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.