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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.