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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off