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You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....