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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Please do not read this.
Iām not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
I think Iām allergic to mornings.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o