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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.