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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.