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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.