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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.