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Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.