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If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.