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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.