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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.