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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.