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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
My number was 0...
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"