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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.