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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion