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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.